Parody Interview of the Asspria Ruler, on "Management by Pain Only"

Meet Jock Ballokks (real name censored), The Asspria Group Operations Director, father of Management by Pain Only©

I wrote this article for the satirical site The Spoof where it is rated with 5 stars.
http://www.thespoof.com/news/magazine/management_by_pain_only_6654.htm

(The Spoof is a satire and parody site, dear lawyers.)

This is a fake interview. It comes from my imagination. It is a creation.

Thor Berserker, the theorist behind "Management by Punishment" has interviewed Jock Ballokks, the Aspria GOD (Group Operations Director) for satirical purposes. That day Jon was sporting a full-grown moustache that makes him look even more like his childhood mentor Josef Steelline.

TB: Both Josef Steelline and you Jon take exemplary measures against non-complying customers and reduce freedom of expression to the official management line. In what way do you differ?

Jock Ballokks  : "While Josef still believes in sending his discontented customers to the gulag, I send them straight to Hell. This is a major improvement as Hell is a public good and costs nothing. As Josef, I believe the classless society of the future is going to be an amusement park where few will have fun and the rest will serve them."

TB: What is the difference between management by punishment and Management by Pain Only©?

Jock Ballokks  : "Management by Pain Only© involves a sense of rythm and decorum, fun and profit. It uses flogging for three purposes: motivation, giving a sense of rythm to work, reminding workers who rules. Tarring and feathering and other humiliations of non-compliant customers serve similar ideas: discouraging consumers from craving more than crappy and arrogant service, providing periodical fun humiliation parties, reminding customers they too are servants to me, the ruler of the place."

TB: "You are one of the World's most revered management gurus, especially known for the clarity of your writings. Why is clarity important?

Jock Ballokks s : "I am a ruler, not a manager. I use the word management to sell
management books. The greatest manager of all times was Gengis Khan. Understanding complex messages takes valuable time. Ambiguity is seldom useful. I rely on few simple ideas and methods."

TB: What are they?

Jock Ballokks: "My management method, Management by Pain Only© is based on the notion that people will go to great lenghts to avoid pain. Contrary to satisfaction which is submitted to decreasing returns, pain yields stable returns and is less costly to administer. This is why I have put in place the tarring and feathering of discontented customers followed by their exclusion without explanation from the exclusive sports clubs I rule. As a result, Aspria has 100% satisfied customers. The others are sent to hell. Employees are flogged on a daily basis. Those who are not happy get the axe. Easy as a,b,c. You just need balls to implement that, so I would say testosterone patches are the only management tool that I recommend."

TB: Fine, but you do not explain anything to your customers when you kick them out. This is not a simple message. It is no message at all.

Jock Ballokks : "This is a crucial point. Talk is cheap. Explanations are not necessary. Do you think Gengis Khan explained? Management jargon shows a failure to think clearly, and ultimately contempt for one's clients. Kicking a client out is clear enough in itself and does not need comments. It means: "You have no rights, only obligations. We do not want to make you the favor of our business. We do not need your money. We are ripping enough other willing morons off anyway."

TB: How about those under your rule?

Jock Ballokks : "To motivate people under you is the most important of management tasks. Flogging is the most efficient motivation and gives rythm and swing to work. At Aspria, under my rule, we are just following nature's way, using pain avoidance as the only motivational tool. Look at the seven great Wonders of the Ancient World. They were built using flogging as personnel incentives. We have a rate of satisfaction of the personnel of 100% too. Those who are not happy are harrassed and leave.

TB: What are your political views?

Jock Ballokks : "I received the first intuition about what would become Management by Pain Only© on a hot day, while visiting The Great Pyramid at Giza. Let's not complicate things. Most people are borne to serve, a little minority to rule. The Great Pyramid has been standing there for 4,500 years. Workers built it with muscle force only. For the general well-being and fun of rulers, they were flogged as a measure of routine. It also kept their working spirits high."

TB: Do you believe modern society can accept
your ideas?

Jock Ballokks: "In short, because the issue is settled, the French revolution is just a minor incident in the history of the world, and its ideals gobbledigook. History is the history of rulers and great conquerors like Gengis Khan. The last 200 years or so are just an accident caused by oversentimentalism. Going backwards is going towards the future."

Asspria rules