The Joy of Tennis and how La Rasante spoils it

Tennis in ordinary clubs as immortalized by Martin Elliott

Martin Elliott is the owner of the copyright for this picture, displayed here for educative purposes. He took this most famous shot in 1976. The player is his then girlfriend, 18-year-old Fiona Butler, dressed in tennis gear, hitching her skirt to show her left cheek.

Martin Elliott died at his home in Truro, Cornwall, in 2010, following a 10-year battle with cancer.

The pair had borrowed a white tennis dress, racket and balls for the shot taken on a university tennis court.

The image, which featured in a calendar, shot to fame and more than two million copies were sold worldwide by Athena.

Tennis joy at L'Harassante: my humble opinion

Picture: Not taken at la Rasante, only metaphorically illustrative of Goofy tennis in the best club in the World,  Aspria La Rasante, 7 clay courts, 3 in winter, and proposed here for parody. 


Here's what's wrong, IMHO and experience:

- Tariffs are not public: each customer has to find out and negotiate for himself
- Court surfaces: appalling, hence ball trajectories are chaotic
- Booking system: hmmm, hazardous
- Enforcement of booking rules: dangerous
- Overcrowding of the club: you won't play much
- Parking often full: cars spill in adjacent streets creating local nuisance
- Management: is always right, I never heard any apology about anything
- Customer is servant: either pay and be happy, or leave, or get kicked out as in my case.

More on tennis courts:

Courts 5, 6 and 7 are covered with leaves and branches during the summer season. The worst one is number 7 which can safely be called a "potato field". 

During dry spells the watering system is not able to follow up and keep the clay humid.

Funny detail: court 1 at la Rasante is oriented East-West.

To make your own judgment, look on the web for standard tennis courts building and maintenance and compare good practice with what is done at La Rasante for yourself. You can start here: 

• Orientation: A North/South orientation is desirable for outdoor courts to avoid background glare at dawn or dusk. (Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tennis_court " )
• Maintenance of tennis courts: http://www.tennis.com.au/pages/image.aspx?assetId=RDM39630.7282419907
• Tennis court specifications http://www.actionsports-international.com/mavista/upload/File/tenniscourtsbase.pdf

In summary:
IMHO, if you want to play serious tennis look elsewhere. Other clubs in Brussels know better how to care for clay courts. For goofy tennis go for L'Harassante. 

FAQ: How to know if the court is yours? My experience

How tennis courts occupation rules really, really, work at La Rasante (parody)

The rules

1) You book a court and show up on time or a little late. It's yours.
2) You are more than 15 minutes late and you have told the reception in advance you would be late. It's yours on arrival. Otherwise: you've lost your booking.
3) You spot a free court: tell the reception you will play on it, knowing that point 2 applies.

What happens in quality clubs in case of doubt?

In quality clubs, should there be a disagreement over who can play on a court, a competent and smiling manager will propose that players meet and play a double and have fun.

My experience at the Best Tennis Club in Belgium: La Rasante

I can only speak of the incidents I was involved in. They all had their roots in the 15 minutes rule. In the most serious incident, which led to my later exclusion from the club, I was playing on court 7 with a partner. At 18:30 two excited individuals walked on it and encircled me. They threatened me physically at once and asked me with a mean tone to clean and vacate the court.

They had not notified the reception of their late arrival. We on the other hand had told the reception we would use a free court if any.

After failing to take us out of the court by intimidation, the two bullies fetched the manager on duty,Shoegazer. He did not show enough competence, IMHO, in handling this minor dispute over the occupation of a tennis court. He did not ask the right questions. He never smiled. He did not look for compromises.

What he did was to take the easy road. He backed the party who intimidated him most. In concrete terms he walked straight at me, and ordered me to leave the court. In a second attempt he  threatened me with a club exclusion if I did not vacate the court at once.

What about court occupations rules?

I told him his job was to implement the club's regulations. But, as I said, it is as if Shoegazer threw a coin in the air, and when it has fallen on the ground he would give the court to whomever is threatening him most. His mind was already made when he came to speak to me.

What happens if you tell Shoegazer you will not leave the court that you have a legitimate claim to?

That's what I did. But Shoegazer had succumbed to pressure from Thor Berserker who was threatening  with a law suit. Shoegazer then threatened me in turn, as mentioned:  I would be excluded from the club if I did not obey the unfair orders he was barking.

The good news is that after I refused to obey the fate that the coin had dictated for me, I was not tarred and feathered.


How I got excluded

The bad news is that the ruler at La Rasante Rough Courts banned me the next morning, on the basis of the story Shoegazer had told him.

I suspect Shoegazer had sexed-up the story too. I heard through the grapevine that accoirding to his account I would have assaulted the latecomers. We'll see what the court thinks of that.

Anyhow, the Harassante ruler did not even try to meet me first and listen to my account. He did not bother telling me why I was expelled. Even after 5 weeks of emailing back and forth he stuck to "what you did and what you said". Very specific.

If Shoegazer stays at La Rasante, he must be competent, or?

If I understand well, Shoegazer is competent at selling a lot of memberships.  If this is true, he's an asset for the bean counters in the offices. My objection is that La Rasante is already badly overcrowded, IMHO. Their customers fill the parking spaces of people living around the block and create a local nuisance.

How can one complain?

I complained and insisted on playing on the court I had a regular claim to. Then I was excluded without serious motivation. I believe there is a link, if I understand the email I received (see next message).

My issue is that Shoegazer had too seriously spoilt my fun, troubled my peace and tramped on my rights as a customer and, on top of that will not admit critique. This apparently is peanuts to them gentle Aspria managers.

So Shoegazer got his way. But I believe he was too deceptive for his own good in view of the lies and nonsense that have been spread in the emails his management have sent me, especially those that are easy to disprove.

What I would do in such a case if I were the director:

1) Check the facts 2) Talk to the consumer 3) If necessary train Shoegazer, otherwise keep him out of his incompetence zone 4) If warranted, give the consumer some compensation 5) Have a walk in the park.

Réponse du CRIOC à ma plainte

[Texte authentique]

From: Anaïs Deville [mailto:Anais.Deville@oivo-crioc.org]
Sent: Tuesday, June 08, 2010 10:07 AM
To: PELAYO Jean-Charles (ENTR)Subject: Réponse à votre question sur le site du CRIOC (litige salle de sport)

Monsieur Pelayo,

Nous avons bien reçu votre question qui a retenu toute notre attention. En tant que Centre de Recherche et d'Information des Organisations de Consommateurs, le CRIOC est soucieux d'attirer l'attention des consommateurs sur les risques existants et ce en informant via ses sites internet (www.crioc.be ou www.arnaques.be), des campagnes spécifiques, ou en proposant des adaptations de la législation. Votre plainte sera prise en compte dans ce cadre et nous sera très utile à mieux défendre les intérêts des consommateurs.

Les salles de sport attirent en effet à elles un contentieux assez important. Il n'y a pas si longtemps, nous avons analysé les contrats proposés par ces salles de sport, et avons pu alerter le consommateur et les autorités au sujet de certaines pratiques mises en lumière par cette analyse (http://www.crioc.be/FR/doc/dede/culture/document-4118.html).

Dans votre cas, je vous conseille de lire votre contrat, et en particulier les clauses qui règlementent le cas échéant la fin de celui-ci. Par ailleurs, sachez que l'affichage des prix est encadré par des règles strictes, que vous trouverez en cliquant sur le lien suivant: http://economie.fgov.be/fr/consommateurs/Pratiques_commerce/Indication_prix/index.jsp. A cet égard, vous avez bien fait d'informer le SPF économie de cette pratique. Au demeurant, chaque client signe un contrat différent qui, comme tout contrat, peut être négocié par les parties en fonction de la volonté de chacune d'elles, afin d'arriver à un accord de volontés.

Nous sommes ravis de voir que vous avez pris l'initiative d'informer d'autres instances. Il est inadmissible que les salles de sport puissent agir de la sorte tout en restant impunies.

N'hésitez pas à nous tenir informés du suivi de ce dossier.

Espérant avoir répondu ainsi à votre attente, je vous prie d'agréer, Monsieur Pelayo, mes salutations distinguées.

Anaïs Deville
Consumer & Public Affairs Counsellor
CRIOC - OIVO (ON/NE 417541646)
Fondation d'utilité publique - Stichting van openbaar nut -
Paepsem Business ParkPaapsemlaan 20 Boulevard Paepsem1070 Anderlecht
Tél: 02/547.06.11 - Fax: 02/547.06.01Tél direct : 02/547.06.22.Site web: http://www.crioc.be/ http://oivo.be/
E-mail : anais.deville@crioc.be
Maildisclaimer: http://www.oivo-crioc.org/FR/maildisclaimer.php
http://www.oivo-crioc.org/NL/maildisclaimer.php

La Rasante Survival 101 (parody)

Get the jungle signals right in Asspria Hell and survive overcrowding

Picture: A consumer (right) submits to an Asspria manager (left)

Intimidation and dominant behavior in an overcrowded club

Human domination and submission behavior can be understood by looking at the way apes behave. We are not that different. For more on that, check The Naked Ape by Morris (1). Sometimes, I even wonder if apes should not sue us humans for saying they resemble us. They do not wage war, mass killings, systematic exploitation of their fellows. But this is besides the point.

Male consumers that are the victim of aggression often avoid further conflict by submissive behaviors. Female consumers attacked by more dominant females and dominant males  often seek the same type of end to conflict in order to obtain reassurance from their aggressor.

IMHO, Two types of intimidations exist at Asspria L'Harassante: from hooligans of both sexes rampaging on the premises and securing space and facilities for themselves, and from senior managers. 

The personnel wearing prison uniforms tends to be submissive to Asspria managers.

Bobbing

A submissive consumer lets the aggressor know that he or she is not a threat and that rip-off will be permitted through non-threatening postures such as presenting their back, crouching and bowing. This is called bobbing.

A quick simulation of intercourse "doggy-style" can happen as is seen in primates. This ritual puts an end to conflict by signalling full submission to the dominant part.

Submission and politeness

The submissive consumer will approach the dominant Asspria manager or hooligan with a fear grin on its face. It is attempting to present itself as small and non-threatening. The dominant part will in turn allow the submissive consumer to move closer to him. Often he will attempt to gently touch the consumer's back, arm, or hand. The hooligan will start predating with a grin.

In the jungle, politeness, especially after provocations, is interpreted as weakness and a carte-blanche to slander you, tramp on your rights, take your towel, remove you from a tennis court or remove your sports bag from the bank in the changing rooms.

Responding in kind to dominants is interpreted as rebellion and conflict can escalate very rapidly.

How berserkers and Asspria managers signal you have to submit

Dominance displays occur when a male (or female) is attempting to intimidate a subordinate or to gain rank. A typical dominance display begins with the person attempting domination standing up straight with hair bristling (pilo-erection), shoulders hunched, and a compressed lips face so that his body looks larger and his face meaner. Teeth are shown on some occasions, but stiff lips remain prevalent.

Picture: Dominance display in posture. Senior manager Shoe-gazer is intimidating  a customer into vacating a court he has a legitimate claim to.

Gesticulation

The displaying dominant will then start to sway back and forth, shoving brush and other vegetation that are found on the tennis courts at Rasante with exaggerated movements. At the studio classes, space will be cleared by manipulating weights, mats and towels in such a way that submissives will have to move to stay out of harm's way. In the changing room, exaggerated limb movements will secure more space.

If these displays are insufficient to elicit submission signals, the dominant will grow increasingly excited and provocative. Some skilled dominants (Thor Berserker's technique reigns supreme) may shout they are lawyers, diplomats or princes.

Picture: The dominant's throwing of coconuts and tearing off tree branches and dragging them while running and gesticulating rapidly around his intended victim is usually decisive. This can be combined by seasoned berserkers by pushing or coming within biting distance of tennis players they want to bully out of the court.

The cowering submissive may choose to use one of many forms of submissive behavior to pacify the angry aggressor.

Punishment of assertive customers at Asspria

While dominance displays don't usually erupt into full scale fighting, those customers that don't get out of the way fast enough of a dominant customer will find that the dominant will call reception and intimidate an Asspria manager into seconding them.

The assertive customer will then likely be rapped at, yelled at and threatened (of exclusion for instance). This is in part a provocation. Any mistake like responding in kind, pushing back biters and the like will be interpreted as an aggression that warrants exclusion.

Signalling mismanagement and abuse of power, referring to club regulations or quality of consumer service warrants exclusion. Customers that stand their ground and will not back down from asserting their right to a decent service can furthermore expect to be slandered with vivid imagination and either tarred and feathered at once or shamefully kicked out of Asspria Hell.

This is part of the local culture and is not written anywhere. The local regulations are under seven seals anyway and only managers have accesss to the list of Member Representatives that once used to be posted but is now removed from sight.

Conclusion and tips

Try to adjust slowly, never walk alone, get Asspria-wise (as in street-wise) and stick to a gang as you would do in prison or the soviet army.

Assertiveness is not rewarded.

Taking the initiative with threatening behavior, if well staged as described above, will guarantee backing by the management and, if things should go wrong, exclusion of your polite opposition from the club.

Except for Asspria's lawyer, everybody understands this is parody and has absolutely nothing to do with real-life situations at Asspria L'Harassante.

(1) The Illustrated Naked Ape: A Zoologist's Study of the Human Animal. Desmond Morris. Review by Janet Dunaif-Hattis. American Anthropologist. Sep 1987, Vol. 89, No. 3: 732–733.

"Bob or be excluded."

Management by punishment at Aspria La Rasante

"At Asspria, We are number one, the customer is number 2, and you are number 28528." 
(Lawyers: this is parody)

Management by Punishment At Asspria La Rasante


(picture left) Aspria manager examining consumer submission

I copied below an interview of Thor Berserker, a specialist of Management by Punishment at the University of Whalhalla. Thor is a pioneer in the field and advocates lynching unhappy customers and flogging personnel as in the good old times.

Thor also plays tennis at l'Harassante and as a special counselor to the Aspria Court, he has a permanent claim to any tennis court, occupied or not. In case of doubt, the senior manager Greg "Shoegazer" throws a coin in the air and if it falls on the ground, Thor goes on an takes the court.

Why do they lynch customers at l'Harassante?

TB: The Aspria Management is the smartest in Europe. They have found out that tarring and feathering customers serves two purposes.

First of all it is fun for Aspria managers to abuse their clients. They spend their day selling subscription, and as salesmen they need to relieve their tension on their customers. By organizing punishment parties they get a high.

The only small drawback is that they now depend on that high to continue selling crap service. They have a tough job and I admire them for their stiff lips.

Second, the aim is to hurt and humiliate a dissatisfied customer enough to leave the club of its own accord and not cause any more mischief by claiming good service and courteous and appropriate management interventions.


Does Management elsewhere look up to Aspria Management Practices?

TB: Absolutely. In particular the lynching of dissatisfied customers. But they do not have the level of skill and personal charisma to actually implement the tarring and feathering of their unhappy customers. And this gives Aspria Managers a significant lead in the bleeding-edge competition field of "Finest Spas and Family Sports Club".

Is tarring and feathering a solution to criminality?
TB: Criminals are not as dangerous for profits as unhappy Aspria customers. So it would be very disproportionate to introduce that as a public practice.

Furthermore, tarring and feathering never was an official punishment in the United States, rather a form of vigilante justice. It was eventually abandoned as society moved away from public, corporal punishment, towards rehabilitation of criminals. So it will most certainly remain a private practice, in the years to come at least.

However, I believe the public sector should study the best practices at Aspria and inspire themselves from probably the best managers in the world.


What do you recommend Aspria Managers now?

TB: I can tell as much as this. The flogging of personnel (those wearing prison uniforms, not the managers) will soon be reintroduced. Tickets for flogging sessions will be sold to Members and their guests at the modic price of 20 €. This will raise revenue and improve work morale as my studies have demonstrated.

"Asspria: Probably the best managers in the world"

Aspria jokes

Asspria Jokes

God tells a man: "You have been good. I'll grant you a wish."
- "Thank you. I would like a bridge to travel from Dover to Calais. I am claustrophobic."
- "You are asking for too much. Anything else?" says God
- "Please make the Aspria management treat me as a customer".
- "OK." says God. "When do you want to have the bridge?


What is the difference between Josef Steelline (real name censored) and an Asspria manager? Josef Steelline sends his discontented customers to the Gulag, while an Asspria manager sends them to Hell.

What, in ballistics, is called a chaotic trajectory? It is the trajectory of a tennis ball on Asspria La Rasante's Rough Courts.

How does the personnel at Asspria La Rasante's Rough Courts know they are not in Guantanamo?They are not wearing orange.

What does Asspria stand for? A Sports Place Run by Immature Amateurs.

Is Asspria a business? Not if you consider businesses want to have happy customers. Yes if you believe there are here to make money.

What is the difference between the invisible man and an Asspria manager ? The invisible man is a fictitious character, the Aspria manager is a deceptive character.

How do you know the price of a yearly subscription at Asspria La Rase-Mottes? The hard way is to ask. The easy way is to multiply what seems a fair price by the golden number: 1.618 0339 887. (http://www.goldennumber.net/)

How do you tell customers from personnel at Aspria Best Sports Clubs in the Galaxy? Personnel wears prison uniforms.

What is the difference between a potato field and a tennis court at Asspria La Rase-Mottes, "Finest Aspria La Rasante in the world"? People work on potato fields and play at La Rasante Rough Courts.

Why are all Asspria customers happy customers? Management kicks out unhappy customers.

How do you tell customers from the management at Aspria "We do you a favor by letting you in" top-notch Family Sports Clubs? Customers pay and sweat in the club. Managers sell membership somewhere.

Asspria La Rase-Mottes Rough Courts: we invented RTT (rough terrain tennis)

New slogans for Asspria

New slogans for the highest-class finest deluxe unbeatable sports clubs

Warning for lawyers: this is an inferior and atrociously incorrect parody of 

Hell, the Asprian Way.

The real stuff, the paid-for highest-class finest deluxe unbeatable top diamond collection of immaculate sports clubs (and in in my humble opinion moronic inferno) is at: www.aspria.com

If you love Aspria and mum and dad are not at home leave this site immediately and go read your Customer satisfaction for dummies.

Picture: The Director with his coat of invisibility.


Hi. Last time we had a look at how Aspria uses idiotic slogans to inflict self-wounds to its image.

Here we want to help Asspria Hell to get the real mojo. Some slogans I've found while in the bathroom thinking of Hell on the other side of the street.

Slogans for Asspria Hell

"We are number one, the customer is number 2, and you are number 28528."

"You will be happy with us. If not we'll throw you out."

"You'll wish the tennis court had not been free."

"L'Harrasante, pour ceux qui ne sont pas assez stressés."

"Meet people: we have the highest density of clients per machine, chat-up hard bodies while you wait for your turn."

"We do not give self defense classes, you'll have to face the bullies for yourself"

"You burn your fat, we burn you out"

"Simplify your life. Just pay for a year. And do not show up."

"We decide what is good consumer service. Just relax and obey."

 "How much pain can you take before you fold?"

What is it I am doing?

Hi folks.

If you love La Rasante please read no further and enjoy yourselves.

If you have been taken for a ride, exploited, verbally abused, threatened and snubbed by management at an Aspria club, come and share your experience here.

I found hell at Aspria La Rasante
http://hellnearyou.blogspot.com/

I want to make some serious fun of these guys who believe they are number one in Europe and get them to deliver what we have paid for in fairness. I just started with an evaluation. I will parody their self-glorifying site shortly.

I want this to be positive and fair. So humor is my preferred weapon.
My hope is that we can turn the situation to our advantage as customers and get some decent value for money and a little more respect from the rulers of the place.

The internet and social sites like Facebook give individual consumers significant power and we can make things move with relatively little effort while having a good laugh.

The rulers at Aspria Hell and Harassment Parks, L'Harassante, have already kicked me out the club without dialogue or clear explanations five weeks ago, so I cannot expect much improvement of their despotic manners.

This blog is only the beginning.

I want consumer organisations and the public authorities to have a look at what is going on in Aspria Hell. Check the contracts, the secret tariff policy and isolated negotiations with clients, possible overcrowding in legal terms (fire safety and the like) and everything that will put these people in their right place and get us what we have paid for.

To those that wonder why we do not move on and look elsewhere:

- What if the place is conveniently situated around the block and we want Aspria to deliver for our money? OK?
- What if we believe in defending our rights as consumers? OK?
- What if we are free to shop where we please and use our freedom of expression? OK?
- What if we have sworn to never let anyone tramp on our rights? OK?

Another thing that bugs me: why does the personnel look terrorized and worried?

Join the show. Publish your experience. Let's all have good fun.

A word of caution: Google and I admits nothing illegal so no insults, no lies, no hate speech. Parody, humor, mockery are OK.

Good luck and keep on enjoying yourselves if you like La Rasante and have read on in spite of my warning.

Disgruntled customers join me to kick the management's @ss€s and get the record straight.

Bye for now.