Management by punishment at Aspria La Rasante

"At Asspria, We are number one, the customer is number 2, and you are number 28528." 
(Lawyers: this is parody)

Management by Punishment At Asspria La Rasante


(picture left) Aspria manager examining consumer submission

I copied below an interview of Thor Berserker, a specialist of Management by Punishment at the University of Whalhalla. Thor is a pioneer in the field and advocates lynching unhappy customers and flogging personnel as in the good old times.

Thor also plays tennis at l'Harassante and as a special counselor to the Aspria Court, he has a permanent claim to any tennis court, occupied or not. In case of doubt, the senior manager Greg "Shoegazer" throws a coin in the air and if it falls on the ground, Thor goes on an takes the court.

Why do they lynch customers at l'Harassante?

TB: The Aspria Management is the smartest in Europe. They have found out that tarring and feathering customers serves two purposes.

First of all it is fun for Aspria managers to abuse their clients. They spend their day selling subscription, and as salesmen they need to relieve their tension on their customers. By organizing punishment parties they get a high.

The only small drawback is that they now depend on that high to continue selling crap service. They have a tough job and I admire them for their stiff lips.

Second, the aim is to hurt and humiliate a dissatisfied customer enough to leave the club of its own accord and not cause any more mischief by claiming good service and courteous and appropriate management interventions.


Does Management elsewhere look up to Aspria Management Practices?

TB: Absolutely. In particular the lynching of dissatisfied customers. But they do not have the level of skill and personal charisma to actually implement the tarring and feathering of their unhappy customers. And this gives Aspria Managers a significant lead in the bleeding-edge competition field of "Finest Spas and Family Sports Club".

Is tarring and feathering a solution to criminality?
TB: Criminals are not as dangerous for profits as unhappy Aspria customers. So it would be very disproportionate to introduce that as a public practice.

Furthermore, tarring and feathering never was an official punishment in the United States, rather a form of vigilante justice. It was eventually abandoned as society moved away from public, corporal punishment, towards rehabilitation of criminals. So it will most certainly remain a private practice, in the years to come at least.

However, I believe the public sector should study the best practices at Aspria and inspire themselves from probably the best managers in the world.


What do you recommend Aspria Managers now?

TB: I can tell as much as this. The flogging of personnel (those wearing prison uniforms, not the managers) will soon be reintroduced. Tickets for flogging sessions will be sold to Members and their guests at the modic price of 20 €. This will raise revenue and improve work morale as my studies have demonstrated.

"Asspria: Probably the best managers in the world"

Science: Why is L'Harassante a Lynching Park? (parody)

Aspria Hell : "Either you are satisfied or ..."

This is a parody. The real thing is at:

Aspria La Rasanterue Sombre 56 1200 Brussels

Tel: +32 (0)2 609 1902 www.royallarasante.be

(Lawyers: this is a parody)

The Real Truth revealed: rue Sombre and the Devil's Tar Pit

Did you know rue Sombre, where Asspria L'Harassante sinks its unhappy customers in a pool of feathers and tear was known as ruelle du Diable in the old times?

This is because the place was invested by demons and spooky ghosts. Old dwellers of Woluwé will assure you that they reincarnated as Asspria Managers. After many eons of wandering in a state of invisibility, Asspria Managers still retain that magic capability of making themselves invisible at leisure. If one should speak to you, it is a sign you are in trouble.

Tarring and feathering at Asspria L'Harassante, by Thor Berserker

In a typical tar-and-feathers attack by Asspria Management on a discontented customer, the subject of their anger is stripped to his waist. Hot tar is then either poured or painted onto the customer while he is immobilized by expectations of decent service and answers to his legitimate claims.

Then the customer either has mud and sand from the tennis courts mixed with tar thrown on him, or he is rolled around on a pile of subscription contracts which stuck to the tar.

Often the customer is then paraded around the premises to be bullied by other members on a Reebok step or a rail.

If the criminal customer is a woman, the lynching is milder. Only the head is shaven, tarred and feathered at the spa.

Picture: "Merry lynching at L'Harassante". The picture was taken last week with a spy camera. Management is visible on the picture which makes it a collectible item. 

Asspria Hell : "Either you are satisfied or ..."

Aspria jokes

Asspria Jokes

God tells a man: "You have been good. I'll grant you a wish."
- "Thank you. I would like a bridge to travel from Dover to Calais. I am claustrophobic."
- "You are asking for too much. Anything else?" says God
- "Please make the Aspria management treat me as a customer".
- "OK." says God. "When do you want to have the bridge?


What is the difference between Josef Steelline (real name censored) and an Asspria manager? Josef Steelline sends his discontented customers to the Gulag, while an Asspria manager sends them to Hell.

What, in ballistics, is called a chaotic trajectory? It is the trajectory of a tennis ball on Asspria La Rasante's Rough Courts.

How does the personnel at Asspria La Rasante's Rough Courts know they are not in Guantanamo?They are not wearing orange.

What does Asspria stand for? A Sports Place Run by Immature Amateurs.

Is Asspria a business? Not if you consider businesses want to have happy customers. Yes if you believe there are here to make money.

What is the difference between the invisible man and an Asspria manager ? The invisible man is a fictitious character, the Aspria manager is a deceptive character.

How do you know the price of a yearly subscription at Asspria La Rase-Mottes? The hard way is to ask. The easy way is to multiply what seems a fair price by the golden number: 1.618 0339 887. (http://www.goldennumber.net/)

How do you tell customers from personnel at Aspria Best Sports Clubs in the Galaxy? Personnel wears prison uniforms.

What is the difference between a potato field and a tennis court at Asspria La Rase-Mottes, "Finest Aspria La Rasante in the world"? People work on potato fields and play at La Rasante Rough Courts.

Why are all Asspria customers happy customers? Management kicks out unhappy customers.

How do you tell customers from the management at Aspria "We do you a favor by letting you in" top-notch Family Sports Clubs? Customers pay and sweat in the club. Managers sell membership somewhere.

Asspria La Rase-Mottes Rough Courts: we invented RTT (rough terrain tennis)

New slogans for Asspria

New slogans for the highest-class finest deluxe unbeatable sports clubs

Warning for lawyers: this is an inferior and atrociously incorrect parody of 

Hell, the Asprian Way.

The real stuff, the paid-for highest-class finest deluxe unbeatable top diamond collection of immaculate sports clubs (and in in my humble opinion moronic inferno) is at: www.aspria.com

If you love Aspria and mum and dad are not at home leave this site immediately and go read your Customer satisfaction for dummies.

Picture: The Director with his coat of invisibility.


Hi. Last time we had a look at how Aspria uses idiotic slogans to inflict self-wounds to its image.

Here we want to help Asspria Hell to get the real mojo. Some slogans I've found while in the bathroom thinking of Hell on the other side of the street.

Slogans for Asspria Hell

"We are number one, the customer is number 2, and you are number 28528."

"You will be happy with us. If not we'll throw you out."

"You'll wish the tennis court had not been free."

"L'Harrasante, pour ceux qui ne sont pas assez stressés."

"Meet people: we have the highest density of clients per machine, chat-up hard bodies while you wait for your turn."

"We do not give self defense classes, you'll have to face the bullies for yourself"

"You burn your fat, we burn you out"

"Simplify your life. Just pay for a year. And do not show up."

"We decide what is good consumer service. Just relax and obey."

 "How much pain can you take before you fold?"

Aspria Slogans and real-life service

"Asspria: You will be happy with us. If not we'll throw you out."

Parody

Asspria Slogans: an introduction

The Gentle Managers at Asspria Hell, or Asspriacid, or Asspirina depending on tradition, are sometimes made to look like moronic despots. But their real-life counterparts are a pretty good show by themselves, so try to see if you can spot one. I understand that like some other mammals, they only come out at night and are easily frightened at the sight of humans looking for help.

Picture: Asspria manager intimidating a customer

How Aspria inflicts pain on itself: idiotic slogans

This might be a parody, but it's hard to beat Aspria themselves at being candidates to "Un dîner de cons" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dinner_Game).

Actually, their site is an auto-parody of sorts. Have a good look around at the sales pitches, the welcome back to the 1950's pictures, the general atmosphere of sticky self-glorification :

http://www.aspria.com/

I found this beautiful piece of hand-carved bullshit on the first page:

"The Aspria Spas exist to promote innovative well being for body and soul."

Frankly what does this mean? Am I missing something subliminal? Try the game yourself: how many of that caliber per page?

Aspria's slogan copied in the email below sounds like a self-inflicted wound and Bullshit Bingo winner:

"Europe's finest Spas and Family Sporting Clubs in Europe"

This reeks of marketing bullshit. But they are paying to have this verbiage spread around and use it on their e-mail signatures. And the consumer ends up paying for that moronic claim.

Mind you, it might be true if they have defined the arbitrary category of "Spas and Family Sporting Clubs" in such a way that they are in competition with a couple of family ventures in Northern Cyprus where tennis courts have actual potato crops growing.